Project H: Eclipse
by Project H
Summary: A direct parody of the third Twilight movie
1. Chapter 1

**Project H: Eclipse**

By Project H

Part 1

Riley narrating: _I never gave much thought to how I would die, although being bitten on the wrist by an insane red-head probably wouldn't be at the top of the list_

Victoria: *Does exactly that, and doesn't appreciate being called an insane red-head*

*Meadow*

Bella narrating: _Some say the world will end in fire,  
>Some say in ice it will end.<br>But while they contemplate the future of the universe,  
>I'm being groped by my sparkly boyfriend<em>

Edward: Marry me

Bella: No. That's third base, and I'm not that kind of girl. Change me into a vampire first

Edward: That's fourth base. I know it sounds old-fashioned, but I like to marry a girl before draining her life and soul out through her neck

Bella: Marriage is just a piece of paper

Edward: And vampirism is just immortality with your face and body preserved in total beauty

Bella: Two out of three marriages end in divorce

Edward: Two out of three attempts to create a vampire result in horrific and painful death

Bella: Oh that's barely any at all

-  
>*Swan House*<p>

Charlie: *Reading newspaper* Murder, disappearances, serial killers...Garfield sure has taken a dark turn lately

Bella: I'm home

Charlie: Right on time? What kind of teenager are you? I didn't raise you to be a nerd

Bella: Don't worry. When you see that my English exam consisted entirely of "Mrs Edward Cullen" written over and over again, you won't think I'm a nerd

Charlie: You know why you're being punished, don't you?

Bella: The public urination incident?

Charlie: No, we'll handle that separately. You were grounded for running away to Italy in order to save someone you love

Bella: I'm sorry...

Charlie: When as a teen you should have run away to Mexico, over-dosed on party drugs and come back pregnant. Nerd

Bella: I'll remember that the next time you let me stay out until 4pm

Charlie: Speaking of weird teens, I think you need to spend time with Jacob. Your awkward and socially inept boyfriend worries me, but I sure like the idea of you hanging out with a half-naked muscle-bound overly-aggressive immature man-child who belongs to a mysterious gang of similar teen males. Now there's a group of men a father could be proud of

-  
>Bella narrating: <em>Jacob hadn't talked to me in weeks. I wanted to fix it, by telling him that I was in love with Edward, and he and I would never be more than friends, but for some reason he refused to listen<em>

*Outside the Swan House*

Bella's truck: *Doesn't work*

Bella and Edward's relationship: *Doesn't either, but they don't seem to have noticed yet*

Bella: Did you do this to my truck?

Edward: Yes, your safety is everything to me. That's why I abandoned you last year when Victoria was after you. And there's nothing safer than meddling with the car someone's about to drive off in. I also poisoned your house's water supply, just as a precaution

Bella: Gee, I must be crazy to not want to marry you

-  
>*School Cafeteria*<p>

Jessica:...but because I didn't know there were laws against it, they said they'd let me off with a warning provided I wipe it up. The end

Mike: That's the worst valedictorian speech I've ever heard. It didn't even have anything to do with graduation. Or life in general. And most of those things aren't physically possible

Jessica: Well maybe if you'd produced some work as good as my final essay "Romeo and Juliet: Why it teaches us to marry within our own family", you'd be giving the speech

Alice: Speaking of dating family, my stepbrother-slash-boyfriend and I are having a graduation party

Jasper: After all, you only graduate high school once

Edward: Ha! That's awesome because we're vampires and graduate lots

Jasper:...

Alice:...

Bella:...

Jessica:...

Mike:...I don't get it

-  
>*Police station*<p>

Mr Biers: And we said "Riley, you have a strict curfew of 12 months. If you're not back by mid-April, then we'll ground you"

Mrs Biers: I know it sounds harsh, but you need to set boundaries. So when he didn't come back in time, we thought maybe he fell asleep on the bus or something

Mr Biers: Or was viciously murdered. Either way, we'll be having a serious talk to him when he gets home

Charlie: Well he certainly sounds like a much cooler kid than my dorky little brat of a– oh hi, Bella!

Edward: Oh Bella, my parents wanted to remind you that the airline ticket you got for your birthday will expire soon. You might want to go and see your Mum this weekend

Charlie: Great idea

Bella: Alright Edward, but only if you use the second ticket

Charlie: Terrible idea

Edward: Or if we only book one seat and you sit on my lap, we'll save money

Charlie: Worst idea

-  
>Bella narrating: <em>I wanted to see Mum, to know that her life was full, satisfying, safe and uncomplicated, just like mine<em>

*Wherever Mum lives*

Renee: So...still in school?

Bella: Yeah

Renee:...still dating that pale guy?

Bella: Yeah

Renee:...

Bella:...

Bella narrating: _It sure was great to catch up_

Renee: The way Edward watches you, it's like you're his own personal brand of heroin

Bella: I get that a lot

Renee:...

Bella:...

Renee:...so when do you go back?

Bella: Not soon enough

Renee: I got you a graduation gift *Hands over box*

Bella: Mum, I didn't want you to spend any money *Opens box*

Renee: I didn't. Charlie sent it over. It's genuine evidence from a murder crime scene

Bella: *Looks in box* OH MY GOD!

*Indoors*

Phil: All I'm saying is after a few drinks they'll be up for anything

Edward: And I keep saying I don't want a foursome!

-  
>*The woods*<p>

Cullens: *In their patented fighting-V formation*

Carlisle: Are you sure this is where you saw her?

Alice: She's almost here. *Has vision* On your left!

Cullens: *Attack and kill*

Woman: *Dead*

Carlisle: Dammit Alice, that was a homeless woman again

Alice: Oh leave me alone. I have future vision, not 20/20 vision

Carlisle: Fine then. Emmett, throw that lady on the pile with the others

Jasper: Second option – we collect up the bodies and put on the best darn puppet show in town

Cullens: Second option!

-  
>*School*<p>

Edward: If I asked you to stay in the car, would you?

Bella: No, but I wouldn't put it past you to weld the doors shut to trap me in here

Jacob: Morning Bella. I brought you a pancake breakfast and a warning to your boyfriend to stay off our land. And some orange juice to wash it all down

Bella: A warning?

Edward: Alice's vision – it's Victoria. I was trying to protect you

Bella: By lying to me?

Edward: No. Unless that was a lie too, and I _was_ lying to you about Victoria

Bella: How come you didn't return my calls, Jacob?

Jacob: I had nothing to say

Edward: Lie! He had lots to say

Bella: *Gets on Jacob's bike*

Edward: Bella, no! I don't trust him. Or maybe that's a lie and I trust him with my life

Jacob: *Gets on bike* Don't worry Ed, this thing is perfectly safe to have purring between your legs. And the bike is pretty safe too

Edward: Fine then. Leave! I don't care

Jacob and Bella: *Ride away*

Edward:...that was a lie *Sobs*

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Chapter 2

**Project H: Eclipse**

By Project H

Part 2

*Quileute Reservation. Make you phone the restaurant before 6 if you want to make a reservation of your own*

Quil: Woo! Bella's here. Maybe she can give us a break from Jake's obsessive inner monologue. "Wish Bella would call"

Paul: "Wish Bella wouldn't call"

Seth: "What's with this sudden urge to chase the mailman?"

Quil: "Is it normal to be attracted to babies?"

Paul: "This vacuum cleaner is terrifying!"

Jacob: That's enough, guys

Embry: "One day I hope to use the indoor toilet"

Quil: Embry, we've stopped making fun of Jacob

Embry: Who said anything about Jacob?

Leah: *Scowls her way over*

Jacob: Bella, this is Leah Clearwater. Her dad was killed by vampires, and you date a vampire. You guys are gonna get along great

Leah: If you're here to torture Jacob some more, feel free to leave

Bella: If you're here to be a bitch, feel free to..._not_ be a bitch

Embry: Ooh, cat fight!

Quil: More of a dog fight, really

Embry: Still sexy

Quil: Although it's actually a wolf verses a human. It could only end with Bella getting her guts ripped out

Embry: There's not a man on earth who wouldn't be turned on by that

Quil:...we're very worried about you, Embry

*Black garage*

Bella: So what's the deal with Leah?

Jacob: Turned into a wolf when her dad died. It's a natural part of everyone's mourning process

Bella: She doesn't really seem to be fitting in

Jacob: Not really, though we've suggested she start not wearing a shirt like the rest of us. Actually we were suggesting that even before she became a wolf. It's just hard to live through the Leah-Sam-Emily pain fest. Sam was dating Leah, then imprinted on Emily

Bella: Yeah I know, I've seen the scars

Jacob: No no, imprinting is like...like when you see her, everything changes. Whenever she asks you to get popcorn in the middle of a movie, you'll always go and get it. The idea of going antique shopping doesn't seem so bad, and your knowledge of Nicolas Sparks books will greatly improve. All of a sudden, it's not gravity holding you to the planet – it's her

Bella: That's the corniest thing I've ever heard. And that's coming from the girl who immediately fell in love with a sparkly vampire. Have you imprinted on someone?

Jacob: You'd know if I had!

Bella: I...hate to think how

Jacob: And all this is because of those damn vampires forcing us to turn into wolves. I'd rather you be dead than be one of them

Bella: Well you'll be happy to hear I'll be both. I'm becoming a vampire after graduation

Jacob: But that's just 13 months!

Bella: _My_ graduation

Jacob: But that's just 1 month!

Bella: My mind is made up. Goodbye Jacob *Leaves*

Jacob: Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could just be like Embry and imprint on myself

-  
>*Bella's room*<p>

Riley: *Touches Bella's stuff, plays with her dream catcher, looks at her dad. This evil plan sucks*

*Later, downstairs*

Charlie: Once again you show no respect for my curfew. I said be back before 9, and it's now 8.45. Nerd

Bella: Sorry Dad

Edward: Bella! There's been a strange man in your room!

Charlie: Ah, that's more like it

*Cullen House*

Carlisle: Could it have been Victoria?

Alice: No. I've been watching her decisions

Carlisle: Volturi?

Alice: I've been watching Aro

Carlisle: A possum?

Alice:...it's possible

Carlisle: Then we'll catch it! 24 hour protection for Bella and her father. And we'll put out a little plate of fruit to lure it in. That should solve everything

Bella: But you guys need to keep yourselves fed

Carlisle: Did I mention the little plate of fruit?

Bella: Speaking of fruits, there _is_ someone who can help us

*Somewhere*

Jacob: My ears are burning

-  
>*Swan house*<p>

Jacob: Well he certainly left his stink behind. Lucky he didn't leave his ugly behind or I might have confused it with yours, Edward

Edward: Ooh, careful Jacob, I think you might be on heat

Bella: Stop guys! I'm tired of this. From now on I'm Switzerland, OK?

Jacob: Well I certainly wouldn't mind invading you with an army of 10,000 men

Bella:...

-  
>Bella narrating: <em>Edward didn't like it, but it was all about my safety. So I just used that to guilt him into things. Same with Jacob. The rest of the wolves didn't want to help, but Jacob would force them to see his thoughts of me naked if they didn't join, so they immediately offered to defend the land. And I must admit, I don't mind all the attention<em>

-  
>*Roadside*<p>

Edward: Doesn't he own a shirt?

Jacob: Doesn't he own a...not being a jerk?

Bella: Go and hunt, Edward. I'll be fine

Edward: Alright, I'll bring home a bloodied werewolf carcass for you. Wolves are at their best when dead and bleeding

Jacob: And vampires are best when not endangering the lives of the humans they love

Edward: Touché

Jacob: And not abandoning them and breaking their heart

Edward: Yes...

Jacob: Then returning and lying to them about the danger they're in

Edward:...oh, is that the time? *Runs away*

Jacob: So Bella, what do you wanna do? Bike...hike...Mike?

Bella: Well I-

Jacob: Tribal campfire stories? If you insist

-  
>*Quileute Reservation*<p>

Billy: White woman, we will trade maize for your beads

Jacob: Shut up, Dad

Billy: Sorry. Outsiders tend to be more comfortable with the stereotype. Everyone ready for a pointless story?

Everyone: Yay!

Billy: In short, we're awesome. We're magic and turn into wolves to protect our tribe, like a badass neighbourhood watch. Then one day we found a pale, sickly looking man, and promptly killed him. Apparently this pissed off his wife. Typical woman. So she started attacking our people, until the chief's wife killed herself in some sort of act of apology. The pale woman was grateful, and agreed to leave our people alone, so we promptly killed her. This incident has since been declared the tribe's 'Best Day Ever'. The End

-  
>*Riley's place*<p>

Riley: Get off the pool table! Don't put that in the fishtank! Why can't you vampires just do what you're told?

Bree: I'm hungry

Riley: I told you, the pizzas are on their way. You can eat the delivery man

-  
>*Cullen house*<p>

TV reporter: Seattle is in a state of terror. Police are baffled by the escalating murders and disappearances. Theories range from a vicious new gang to "all just in our imagination"

Jasper: One vampire couldn't do all that. It must be an army

Edward: It's newborns

Bella: What, like, babies?

Edward: Yes. An army of vampire babies

Bella: Dear God! They'll drool on everything

Carlisle: They've been wreaking havoc in Seattle with murder, mutilation, and putting things in their mouth that they shouldn't

Edward: So we may have to stop them?

Jasper: Yes, you can kill them just like you would a real baby. Laying them face down in a cot, shaking them, or ripping off their heads and burning them

Carlisle: Such is the beauty of new life

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Chapter 3

**Project H: Eclipse**

By Project H

Part 3

*Bella's room*

Bella: I have to figure out what to tell people. Why I won't be home for Christmases, why I won't visit, why they'll never see me again...

Edward: Just sleep on it for a few decades, then everyone will die and you won't have to tell them anything. You'll see them age, get sick, and die in your arms. Now that's what I call romance

Bella: Why are you so against me becoming like you?

Edward: Ew. Then I'd be making out with myself

Bella: Be honest with me. There's more

Edward: You believe I have a soul...and I don't. But to risk yours just for the sake of never having to lose you...that's the most selfish thing I'll ever do

Bella: Nice to know that the most selfish thing you'll ever do involves letting me make a decision for myself

Edward: Exactly. I have taken away all your free will because I want you to feel confident and independent

Bella: I thought you were afraid that I'd be too different. Like, I wouldn't be...warm. I wouldn't smell the same

Edward: You'll always be my Bella. My Bella, just cold and stinky

Bella: Like an old, dead fish

Edward: Quiet, I'm getting turned on

-  
>*Never-before-seen lake*<p>

Jacob: You need to hear the truth Bella...understand all your options. And you need to know that I'm in love with you

Bella: Yeah, I kind of figured

Jacob: And I want you to choose me instead of him

Bella: No kidding

Jacob: You feel something else for me, you just won't admit it. And I'm going to keep yelling and threatening you until you realise how much you love me. I'm going to fight for you, until your heart stops beating. Until you're brain-dead. Until your bowels evacuate themselves and maggots start eating your flesh. And even then, I'll probably still have a bit of a thing for you. Actually, all this talk of maggots has got me turned on *Kisses Bella*

Bella: *Punches Jacob, and breaks wrist*

Jacob: Sweet. Third base

-  
>*Swan House*<p>

Edward: How dare you force yourself on Bella and break her wrist. That's _my_ thing. _My_ thing is to kiss her and then badly hurt her. _Your_ thing is to check out her butt as she walks away from you in disgust

Bella: Edward, don't-

Edward: And _your_ thing is to be quiet and do what I say

Jacob: She's not sure what she wants

Edward: She can make up her own mind. She's not a child

Jacob: Oh yeah, like I could fall in love with a child

*Appropriately awkward pause*

Charlie: Bella! You come home late with two guys fighting over you? I think this is the first time I've ever been proud of you

-  
>*Cullen House*<p>

Edward: Jasper, got any leads?

Jasper: Why? Taking Bella for a walk?

Rosalie: Bella? I hate that bitch *Slams door*

Bella: Sounds like she wants a meaningful talk with me

*Rosalie's place to think*

Rosalie: If you're here to be a bitch, you can go and be a bitch somewhere else. Bitch

Bella: I don't understand what I did to make you hate me so much

Rosalie: Hate? I don't hate you. Wherever did you get an idea like that, little bitch? I just don't like that you've got a choice in this and you're choosing wrong. It's nothing personal, it's just that you're a bad person and you're doing bad things. I don't care how miserable your human life is

Bella: My life is not miser-ahaha! Sorry, I couldn't say that with a straight face. Every day is a new torture

Rosalie: Nobody's life is perfect. Except mine. Mine was perfect. It really makes your life look like the pile of crap that it is. I was finally achieving every girl's dream – I was marrying for money. But shockingly, my loveless relationship with a horrible man ended in heartbreak. And vampirism. So I did the only sane thing I could think of, and went on a murderous rampage in a wedding dress. No feeling will ever amount to the thought of growing old with grandchildren, but strangling your ex-fiancé with his own oesophagus comes pretty close

Bella: I think I'm happier with us not being friends

-  
>*Riley's place*<p>

Riley: You kids are out of control! You embarrassed me in front of everyone else at the restaurant! Something's coming. Something bigger than any of us alone

Bree: Is some chick trying to get petty revenge for her boyfriend really bigger than any of us?

Riley: If you can't control yourselves we're all going to die

Dirk: Even me?

Riley: _Especially_ you, Dirk. Especially you

*Nearby, standing on a roof*

Demetri: They've already drawn too much attention, touching everything with their sticky little fingers

Felix: We haven't killed anyone in days, and that makes me assume we're not doing our job properly. Let's call Aro

Jane: Aro's thoughts are being watched *Tortures Felix*

Alec: And ours aren't?

Jane: I'm comfortable assuming that *Tortures Alec*. So either we let them do what they were created for, or we end them

Demetri: Third option – ditch this place, and go and stand on the roofs outside the drive-in movie theatre

All: Third option!

Jane: *Tortures everyone*

-  
>*Graduation*<p>

Jessica: When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were things like kitty cat, seesaw, or in my case, loved. When we were ten, they asked again. We answered red power ranger, blue power ranger, and Mr Molina said I'm not allowed to say what I wanted to be. But this isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions – this is the time to make mistakes. And by that logic, this class has been a huge success. Congratulations on 18 years of colossal failure

Crowd: *Cheers*

Bella: Look daddy, I'm graduating

Charlie: Nerd

Edward: Look daddy, I'm graduating

Carlisle: This gets tiresome after 17 times

-  
>*Graduation party*<p>

Angela: Ooh, I love this new song by Muse out now on CD and available for download on iTunes. Let's go dance

Jacob: Hi there, we're crashing the party

Bella: You can't crash a party you're invited to

Jacob: Sure we can, we're rebels. Embry, smoke this cigarette

Embry: But I don't-

Jacob: SMOKE IT! I wanted to say sorry, Bella. And thought that since our last meeting involved a kiss and a punch, this one might involved a feel-up and a stabbing

Bella: Get lost

Jacob: I made you a crappy bracelet

Bella: Awesome! I forgive you

Alice: Time for party games. We've got twister, spin the bottle, and visions of vampires coming to kill Bella

Jasper: Aww, we always play that last one

Edward: *Was clearly not invited to this party*

*Somewhere else in the Cullen house*

Alice: I don't recognise them, and yet I was able to see them in my vision. I'm not sure how that works, but Mike put something in the punch and now everything looks funny

Edward: *Oh, wait, there he is* They're an army, and they're coming after Bella

Jacob: There's a surprise

Carlisle: There are too many *wink wink* and we can't take them alone *wink wink*

Jacob: Well I suppose we could-

Carlisle: Excellent! Thanks for volunteering

Bella: No! You'll get yourselves killed

Carlisle: But without them, _we'll_ all die

Bella: No biggie

Carlisle: 'We' includes you, Bella

Bella: Kill them, Jacob!

-  
>*Vamp training camp*<p>

Wolves: *Arrive*

Carlisle: Edward, will you translate?

Edward: Certainly

Carlisle: *To wolves* Jasper has experience fighting newborns. He'll teach us how to defeat them

Edward: *To wolves* Carlisle says you suck

Jasper: Fighting a newborn is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman; if you do things right, someone will end up decapitated and on fire. Speaking of beautiful women, I will now demonstrate with Emmett

Emmett: *Fights*

Jasper: *Fights*

Emmett: *Fights*

Jasper: *Punches Bella* Dammit Emmett! What if I'd been Victoria?

Carlisle: *Fights*

Edward: *Fights*

Jasper: *Punches Bella* Dammit Ed!

Alice: *Fights*

Jasper: *Fights*

Rosalie: *Punches Bella* Ha! Beat you to it

*Later*

Bella: Jasper, are you sure there's nothing I can do to help?

Jasper: Your smell alone will be enough to distract them

Bella: I wish it was the first time I'd heard that. I'm just glad that after the Quileute campfire and Rosalie, I don't have to hear any more dull back stories

Jasper: I was the youngest major in the Texas cavalry...

Bella: Damn it

*Flashback*

Jasper narrating: _I was riding back to Galveston when I saw three women in nighties on the beach. This was extremely suspicious, and almost certainly a trap, so I rode over and immediately offered them my aid_

Ol' Jasper: Ma'am

Maria: I hope you survive. You may be of great use to me

Ol' Jasper: Ma'am?

Maria: *Bites Jasper*

Ol' Jasper: Ma'am!

Jasper narrating: _We would raise newborns for a year, then brutally murder them. Naturally, I thought what we had was love_

Little Billy Newborn: Papa Jasper, you'll always protect us from trouble, right?

Ol' Jasper:...

Billy: Papa Jasper?

Jasper: *Attacks Billy*

Billy: Papa Jasper!

*End Flashback*

Jasper: But I was her puppet. She pulled the strings and put her hand up my backside to make me talk. But it wasn't all good times...and then I found Alice. We didn't kill as often, but I don't know what I would've done without her

Alice: You never have to be that again. Except for right now, 'cause we need to massacre some babies

Both: *Laugh*

Bella: Aww, they're bonding over murder. Some day that'll be me and Ed

Jasper: *Punches Bella* Dammit Alice!

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Chapter 4

**Project H: Eclipse**

By Project H

Part 4

*Swan House*

Edward:...and while we're off fighting, you can stay home and prepare us a nice dinner

Bella: I'm not just going to hide while you're out taking all the risks for me. Jasper said I could help and collect the corpses from the battlefield or something

Edward: Don't be silly, you're no help. Not ever. And with the wolves it's an easy win. But no matter how easy the fight, you'll still be useless

Bella: I think it's dangerous for us to be apart. Remember how you abandoned me for several months and I was almost killed multiple times? Remember that, sweetheart? The many times I almost died? Remember? From when you abandoned me?

Edward: OK fine. You've guilted me into having to choose between endangering my family or making you slightly uncomfortable

Bella: Yay! Choose me

Edward: Fine. I'll risk their lives so we can cuddle in a tent somewhere

Bella: That's all I ask

-  
>*Fieldfuture graveyard*

Jasper: This field will give us an advantage in battle somehow. As will Jacob's smell. We're really pulling out the big guns for this life-or-death situation

Bella: Jacob, your scent will mask mine if you carry me. It also would have worked if you'd walked behind me, but it's more of a tease this way. I'm also not wearing underwear. Let's go

*Forest*

Jacob: You going to ask me to sit out the fight too? If you ask enough of us, we can all sit out and no one will get hurt

Bella: No thanks. I'd feel happier knowing you're risking your life for me

Jacob: Not that I'd have a choice. Since I let Sam be alpha male, I've got to live with the shots he calls

Bella: Since you _let_ Sam be alpha?

Jacob: Sort of. He said he'd hit me if I didn't, and I got scared and ran away. Hard to be an alpha after that, so I bravely chose Sam as my replacement. But every choice has its consequence...some more than others

Bella: Ugh. You've been reading Edward's big book of dramatic clichés

Jacob: You can love more than one person at a time. I've seen it with Sam, Emily and Leah

Bella: And that turned out great, what with Leah heartbroken and Emily permanently scarred

Jacob: I know you feel something for me. I can sense how I make you feel. Physically

Bella: Same here. It must be a lot easier to carry me with three arms

Jacob: I mean I make you nervous

Bella: Muscular wolf-boy who talks like a sexual predator? Yeah, fair to say you make me nervous

-  
>*Swan House*<p>

Alice:...and by the end of the night she'll be full of regret and pregnant

Charlie: Thank you, Alice. I'm glad Bella has a friend like you to show her what being a teenager is all about. Don't let her home unless she has a tattoo

Alice: Good news Bella, you have an alibi for the battle. Bad news is you need to come home drunk and half-naked

Bella: I was planning that anyway

*Indoors*

Charlie: Well, the sister, I like

Bella: Alice? Yeah, she's great

Charlie: And you're already dating someone pretty girly, so it wouldn't be that much of a stretch for you to-

Bella: I'm not going to date Alice

Charlie: Oh come on, hurry up and experiment a little. Girls know what girls like

Bella: I'll keep that in mind. Besides, mum already beat you to 'the talk' ten years ago

Charlie: When you were 8? Wow, she wanted you to be pregnant even earlier than she was. And she hadn't even hit puberty yet. Sandwich?

Bella: No thanks

Charlie: Coffee?

Bella: No

Charlie: Virgin?

Bella: Yes

Charlie: Nerd

Bella: It's not through lack of trying. Edward is...old-school

Charlie: Don't worry honey, doing it in the back of a horse and cart is a lot like a car

Bella: Good to know

Charlie: Sexting can be just as fun on a stone tablet

Bella: I look forward to it

Charlie: Waiting until marriage is a wonderful choice. Haha, no, that's _too_ old-fashioned

Bella: Tell me about it

-  
>*Cullen House, special bedroomabstinence centre*

Bella: There's a bed?

Edward: Too much?

Bella: Hell no! I'm not sleeping on the floor. And since marriage is the one condition for you to change me yourself, I want to negotiate my own condition

Edward: Whatever you want, it's yours. Absolutely anything in the world. I love you so much, there's nothing I won't do for you. You can have anything

Bella: Sleep with me

Edward: Piss off

Bella: Please

Edward: It's too dangerous. We can't until I change you

Bella: That doesn't mean we can't feel each other up a bit

Edward: Not until marriage

Bella: Well I'm sorry, grandpa

Edward: I'm from a different era. And if I had met you back then, I would have hit you with my club and dragged you back to my cave by your hair. And then I quite literally would have taken your hand in marriage, because it fell off due to the plague. *Gets out ring* This was my mother's. I dug it up this morning

Bella: Would you mind taking that finger out of it first?

Edward: Of course. Isabella Swan, I promise to love you every moment of forever – a statement as true as it is awkward. From the very first moment I laid eyes on you, and wanted to kill you, I knew we'd be together forever. Isabella David Swan, would you do me the extraordinary honour of marrying me?

Bella: Oh Ed, you've made what is essentially your third marriage proposal your most romantic yet. Yes I will

Jasper: *Punches Bella* Congratulations!

-  
>*Riley's Place*<p>

Riley: You're not coming, Victoria? You didn't come to the last massacre either. If you don't come on family vacations, how will we ever bond with our blood-thirsty army of children?

Victoria: I will come, but it will be a last-minute decision. You know how those Cullen powers work

Riley: Yes, so right now they'll know that you will wait until the last minute to decide to join the fight

Victoria:...I didn't think of that

Riley: If they can read thoughts and see the future, they probably already know exactly when we'll attack, how we'll do it, and maybe even who wins

Victoria:...oh dear

Riley: Would it cheer you up if I awkwardly kissed and sucked your neck?

Victoria: Couldn't hurt

-  
>*The Forest*<p>

Bella: *Cuts finger, and wipes it straight on the tree. She just smears her open wound right against the bark! She doesn't even wipe the blood off with a clean finger _and then_ on the tree, she just goes straight for the finger infection. Sure, it's far less serious than being ravaged by a vampire, but just take a second to dab some antiseptic on that haemorrhaging cut. I know there are far more important narrative issues I should be criticising, but it really bugs me every time I watch. And then she wipes her finger on a leaf. That could have been poison ivy! What a terrible role model for young girls*

-  
>*Riley's Place*<p>

Riley: Newborns ready?

Newborns: Yes

Riley: And no one needs to use the bathroom?

Newborns: No

Riley: OK then *Steps into water*

Dirk: I need to use the-

Riley: WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

TO BE CONTINUED...


	5. Chapter 5

**Project H: Eclipse**

By Project H

Part 5

*Tent*

Bella: *Shivering*

Edward: Oh no! What is this human disease? Are you hungry, Bella? Thirsty? Gassy? Are you gassy, Bella?

Jacob: She's cold

Edward: But I gave her that mitten. What else could I possibly do? Should we feed her grass?

Jacob: That's for sick cats

Edward: Pour white wine on her?

Jacob: That's for removing red wine stains

Edward: Maybe you should get naked and crawl in bed with her

Jacob: Not that's- YES PLEASE!

*Several awkward hours later*

Edward:...and that's how me hiding from the war by dressing as a woman led to the story of Anne Frank

Jacob: Fascinating *Stares at Bella*

Edward: Can you please keep your thoughts to yourself?

Jacob: I kind of am since they're inside my head. And what's with you picking my brain, but not letting me into yours?

Edward: You wouldn't like my brain. It's full of things you don't like, like vampires, Bella's true feelings, and dudes with their shirts on

Jacob: What would you do if Bella chose me?

Edward: I'd handle it well

Jacob: Oh please. She was going to pick me first for her kickball team until you threatened to kill yourself. If you'd just stayed away for another 6 months, I could have made her happy

Edward: Oh OK. So instead of attempting to kill myself, which I did, you'd have preferred I just hold on another six months and come back to steal Bella away just as you finally think you've won her over? I'll make a note of that for next time

Jacob: You have to consider that I might be better for her than you are

Edward: I have considered that. You can give her a life, a human life, but it would be a human life with Jacob Black, and that would be far worse than death. I'm not going to force her into anything ever again. That'll be a huge change in our relationship, but we'll work through it

Jacob: When you thought she was gone...that you'd lost her...how did that feel?

Edward: How did it feel to think I could never be with her? You tell me. Burn! But you know, in a world without Bella, I might actually like you

Jacob: In a world without Bella, I'd be trapped in the half-naked Mod Squad regardless and you'd still be a creepy high school loner suppressing the desire to murder all your classmates

Edward: Yeah...I miss my old life

-  
>*Next day*<p>

Bella: Sorry about last night

Edward: It wasn't in my top 10 favourite evenings

Bella: You have a list?

Edward: The nights I spent with you. And also that one night I found the broken vending machine. I got so much Twix

Bella: And the night I said I'd marry you?

Edward: The what?

Bella: The night I said I'd marry you

Edward: Didn't catch that

Bella: The night I said I'd marry you!

Edward: Little louder

Bella: THE NIGHT I SAID I'D MARRY YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU MORE THAN JACOB!

Jacob: WHAT?

Edward: Oh dear, Jacob heard

Jacob: *Runs off*

Bella: Jake!

Jacob: I'm just gonna go out there and kill something

Bella: Wow...that is _so_ hot

Jacob: Or maybe I'll get myself killed

Bella: Then I'd better tap that while I've got the chance. Kiss me

Jacob: Well OK *Kisses Bella*

*3 hours later*

Bella and Jacob: *Finish kissing*

Bella: OK, you can go die now

Jacob: Cheers *Leaves*

Edward: You love him

Bella: I love you more

Edward: Well that's good enough for me. Kiss as many guys as you want

-  
>*Battlefield*<p>

Riley: Attack!

Dirk: I need to use the bathroom

Riley: Not now!

Newborns: Grr

Cullens: Grr

Wolves: Grr

Victoria: Wait, you guys have wolves? No fair. Captains choose new teams

Jasper: Sweet. We'll take Riley

Victoria: We'll take Bella. And we surrender the rest of our picks

Jasper: Deal. No wait-

Victoria: No trade backs! Hang on...Bella's not even here. Dammit *Runs off*

All present parties: *FIGHT*

Emmett: Emmett Cullen here providing commentary for today's big fight, and it really is a beautiful day to massacre the young. Joining me for special comments, Bree Tanner

Bree: I'm scared and I want to go home

Emmett: Thanks for that insight, Bree

-  
>*Tent*<p>

Riley: *Saunters into view*

Edward: Riley, listen to me. Victoria is just using you to distract me, what with your sexy walk and bedroom eyes. She knows I'll kill you by ripping off your muscled arms and gorgeous head

Victoria: I warned you of their mind tricks, Riley. They're pulling one right now to make us think someone could be in love with that Bella thing

Edward: She only created you and this army to avenge her true mate, James. She doesn't care about you

Victoria: Oh come on Riley, how could raising a bloodthirsty army to avenge the death of my ex-boyfriend be anything other than true love?

Bella: Wow. Their relationship is even screwier than ours

Edward: No talking

Riley: *Attacks*

*Meanwhile*

Emmett: Well you'd give the edge to the Cullens due to the home field advantage, but the Newborns are an excellent travelling team having already notched up several away-from-home victories recently against Forks Steelworks and a local kindergarten. Bree?

Bree: I can still feel the burning!

Emmett: Thanks Bree

*Back at the tent*

Edward: *Losing*

Bella: Oh no, I need to help! *Grabs sharp rock to cut self* Actually, that's just dumb. Hey Victoria, you suck!

Victoria: *Turns around* What? No, you suck!

Edward: *Kills Victoria*

Victoria: *Is remarkably flammable*

Seth: *Eats Riley* Mmm, nothing tastes better after a long battle than a nice, cold Biers

-  
>*Battlefield*<p>

Emmett: Well it looks like a victory for the Cullens and wolves. Just a quick injury summary before we go; Alice pulled a hamstring, badly broken ribs for Jacob, and the Newborns are all dead. Hard to imagine how they'll come back from that one. Any closing words, Bree?

Bree: THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!

Emmett: Ahaha, oh Bree, you're one of a kind

Volturi: *Arrive*

Alec: It appears we missed an entertaining fight

Jane: It's not often we're rendered unnecessary

Edward: We were getting sick of foreigners taking jobs away from good, hard-working American vampires. I hate when murder gets outsourced

Jane: You missed one

Carlisle: We offered Bree asylum in exchange for her surrender. We'll make her a part of this family and find her a brother she can marry. She'll fit in great

Jane: That sounds lovely. Felix, kill her

Bree: *Dead*

Jane: The Volturi don't give second chances

Dirk: Not even to me?

Jane: _Especially_ not to you, Dirk. Especially not to you

Dirk: *Dead*

Jane: And Caius will be interested to know that _she's_ still human

Bella: The date has been set. We'll get married, and then Edward will tear into my neck and drain me of my last breath

Jane: I'll try to remember to send a gift. I guess we'll leave then

Demetri: Uh, Jane, aren't you forgetting something?

Jane: Oh yes, where are my manners? *Tortures everyone*

Everyone: AARGH!

-  
>*Black House*<p>

Bella: Bad news Jake, Carlisle says we'll have to put you down

Jacob: Oh ha ha

Bella: Don't worry, I'm just _ribbing_ you. How are you feeling?

Jacob: On top of the world. Was Edward mad?

Bella: Because I kissed someone else? Why would he be? Our entire relationship is built on deception

Jacob: He's better than I thought

Bella: He's not playing a game. I mean, seriously, a game where the prize for winning is me? Everyone would forfeit before the game even began

Jacob: He's not as perfect as you think

Bella: If the man who abandoned me and left me at the mercy of a psychotic killer isn't perfect, than I don't know what to think

Jacob: Well at least I know I did everything I could

Bella: You could have tried demonstrating that you could be mature and responsible rather than play with my emotions and constantly take advantage of me

Jacob: Nah

Bella: Should I come back?

Jacob: I need some time. But I'll always be waiting

Bella: Well of course. You're hardly going to run off to pick up chicks when half your body is broken

Jacob: You know what I mean

Bella: Yeah. Until my heart stops beating

Jacob: Maybe even then. Because I think if this crazy vampire love-triangle has taught us anything, it's that dead people can be hot too

Bella: Amen

-  
>*Meadow*<p>

Edward: I want to know why you're doing this. You're trying to make everyone else happy

Bella: Are you kidding? Everyone's been miserable since I got here. And I'm not thinking about them – I'm all about Isabella Swan right now

Edward: Explain

Bella: Don't you see? I never felt normal. Because I wasn't normal. I was a confused teenage girl with no direction in my life. There wouldn't have been anyone else like that in the world. So I did the only smart thing a girl in my position could do – I surrendered myself entirely to a strange boy. Someone who could control me and dictate my life, all because I thought he was cute. I've seen so much death and loss and pain in your world, and I couldn't be having more fun. Because I thought I was the only irritating, ignorant, personality-less person on this Earth, until I met you. And I knew right away we were perfect for each other. Your world is my world too, and I finally realise that my true place in this world is alongside lifeless cannibals who only come out when it's dark. And if I explain it like that to Charlie, I'm sure he'll understand

Edward: What's not to get?

-  
>*Biers House*<p>

Half-eaten Riley: Mum, Dad, I'm back

Mr Biers: And what sort of time do you call this? A boy your age should not be staying out until late-June

Mrs Biers: But we're glad you're OK, so all is forgiven

Riley: Aww, I love you guys

Jasper: *Punches Riley* Welcome home!

**THE END**

**Author's Note: A huge thanks to everyone who read, reviewed or favourited this story (and according to spell check 'favourited' is not a word, but I'm such a rebel I will use it anyway). Currently working on Deathly Hallows Part 1, though it seems a little pointless now as the second movie is already here. That one is still quite a while off though so for the time being, I hope Eclipse has been suitably amusing for you.**

**See you for Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1!**


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